FUCK YOUR LIFE.

Be fucking true to yourself, girl. The truth is out now & you're still trying to turn the story around to make you look like you're the good guy. You're a fucking joke, seriously.

I am so fucking stupid.
I don't why I let my emotions get the best of me. I know for a fact it's going to be my downfall. I'm going to end up by myself with no one by my side because I let the negativity win all the time.
I'm very stupid.
I don't deserve anything.
It's better off like this.

LIFE ISN'T FUCKING FAIR


You're fucking kidding me.
This hurts my heart.
I had never known or learned how to deal with loss.
I lost a homie.
I lost the only pet I have ever learned to love unconditionally.
I don't know.
I'm all cried out, so what do I do now?

I NEED A FUCKING JOB.

The light on my laptop seems so bright & it's making me want to close my eyes.
I want to go to sleep but I have to study for psychology. I have a quiz on Wednesday.
I have a 2-day old headache pounding in my temples & I want to scream.

Been 22 hours...

Since you've been gone, my friend. September 6 was the most difficult day of my life. Hands down. I've never had a friend pass away like this. I've had friends who had one of their friends pass away, & yes, I am sympathetic, secretly thinking to myself, damn... I don't want to have to go through this. But we are. Right now. His family, his girlfriend, his best friends, his friends.
It's fucking hard coping with you gone like this, my friend. Earlier today, your boys Francis & Joe reminiscing about how you were, when you joked around, when you got mad. Jerry saying that if you were still around everyone'll be clowning on how fucked up you were the night before. Christin...saying that she liked how you acted like a little kid & was always happy about little things. & that that's what she liked about you the most. Christin saying that if she slept, she hoped to see you in her dreams so she can talk to you. Her saying that her fingers tingle sometimes & she says that it's like you were there holding her hand. And that she misses you so much. We all do. See you in the next life, for sure. Watch over us, homie.


...fuck, this is so hard.
Damn, like..
I just wish my cat was here still so I can hug him & he can stop my tears with his paws.

Two losses in one day.
Fuck today. Worst day of my life

Rest In Paradise

I don't want to believe it. But damn. It's mind-blowing. That you're gone. You're my homie, & we've actually kicked it. We've had some down ass times together. Many drunk times together. & how you said, "I'M TOO DOWN!" on my birthday when I asked who was down to take a shot with me. I just saw you on Thursday night & the last couple words you told me, "You're not going tonight?" since it was your birthday thing at the club Level 3 & everyone was gonna go. I wish I could have gone. I wish I could have gone out earlier tonight to your birthday thing. Homie, it was just your birthday & I fucking forgot to greet you. It's too late to regret that, & even the little things that I should have gone to Level 3 with you all. If I had known, but I didn't. No one did. No one expected this. This was beyond everyone's control.
When I got that phonecall from Adrian an hour & a half ago, I didn't expect to hear the words the I heard. Adrian, crying hysterically, sputtering, "Ling,.....Crespo, Crespo's dead..." My fuckin mind shut down. My vision darkens. I couldn't breathe. Like, honestly. The tears was just crazy. That feeling of loss, a friend gone. It's one of the worst. This is one of my worst fears. Losing a homie.. I'm going to miss this fool, dude. How he always says "I'm too down!" for almost everything. & how he's always making a joke about anything. & daydreaming about kare kare with bagoong & the green mangoes from the Philippines with bagoong.
I can only imagine the pain that Christin has in her heart. As much as I can, I want to be there for her. I think she needs everyone's support now more than ever.
And this also goes out to Anthony's family. My sincere condolences... this loss is something great.
Life really is too short to stop loving.
I want to tell each & everyone of you that I love you all. Everyone, my family, my best friends, my friends. People that mean something to me. I love you all.

Rest in paradise, Anthony Crespo.

You have bewitched me body & soul


My heart hurts.
It's funny because when I remember something that caused me pain or great happiness, & I start feeling all these feelings I will settle for those three words as my universal detailed explanation; my heart hurts.


And I love, I love, I love you

My cat.


He's sleeping against my chest & our breathing is in sync. He loves my music, whenever I turn it on, he buries his little head in my hair & purrs like a motorboat. He, then, paws on my face & licks my chin, my nose. Then he will slowly close his eyes & fall asleep on me.


As I breathe out, I taste coffee and vodka on my tongue. I find that strange since I did not drink any alcoholic substance tonight. Maybe I'm imagining things, maybe I did drink. Maybe I forgot I did. My memory is horrible anyway.
Do you like how I'm tripping myself out? Ha.

I have school tomorrow.
At 3:30 in the afternoon.
Should I expect the worst? I can't remember which class. Political science or psychology. I can't remember. I can't.
Is it that people don't remember things or they just feel it's not important to them so they choose not to record that information in their minds?
I ask myself petty questions like these, when I should interrogate those who have taken me for granted. If they've merely forgotten, or did they choose not to remember because I mean nothing to them.
Isn't that almost the same thing?


I can't believe that you and me were falling out love.