Initiating Mental Breakdown



Fuck.
I need & want something out of the ordinary.

He's not callin', ma.


Thank you, Sensei.
Thank you for exposing me to immensely inspiring music.
Thank you for introducing me to the world of pure talent.
Thank you for enlightening me with a series of rap battles from YouTube.
Grind Time is now my favorite past time.


DUMBFOUNDEAD

& I fell in love with this charismatic emcee & his music.

This one's for the happiness
I'll be wishing you forever.

I find it so difficult talking to you.
There are days where I'd want to talk to you all day but I stop myself because,
because it hurts.

I'm so tired of feeling & seeming & looking vulnerable.

Yeah, maybe I'm selfish

We're never on the same page. EVER.
I think about certain things, feel certain things but you think & feel oppositely.
Then on another day, you think about the same shit I had thought, feel the same fucking feelings I had felt, but on that day I feel the exact opposite.

It's always contradictory. Always inconsistent. And we don't even know it.

I'm starting to think..
no, I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to think anymore.

My mind blurs when I think about the pain. You know, the pain.. I'd rather not go into another detailed & immensely dejecting tirade about "the pain". Because I've done my fair share of that..in, well, almost all of my entries.

Too many things go on in my head & being the fucking person I am I always over-analyze shit, & I have this tendency to overwhelm myself which leads me to feel very, very depressed. Nowadays all I've been doing is think, think, think, think,think, fucking think. I don't even have time for myself anymore. I am so tired, seriously. Physically, emotionally, & mentally.

I haven't felt this in a while; pain on the left side of my chest.
It's funny how dreams can affect you this greatly in real life.

Lost My Pieces

You make breaking hearts look so easy,
seems like you've done this before

For days, I've laid awake with my laptop propped against my legs & my head is against my pillow.
I can't sleep.
I try.
I lie awake for hours,
trying, trying to sleep
I close my eyes, & I don't open them.
But I am completely awake & I know it.

I open up my "Aesa" file, stare at it for ages, & end up only editing a small portion of it without even adding new stuff to it.

I keep forgetting what I've said & done after a nano second or a day if I'm lucky.
And I feel like my level of intelligence reduced itself to nothingness. I'm dead in the brain most of my days which is why I haven't been writing anything.

Right now, a lot has been ailing me & I can't explain myself to save my life. It's overwhelming to a point that I'm speechless & I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore & that's so fucking unhealthy.
I need a break from people
I want to be seen
I want
fuck
I don't know what I want.

Selfishly, I want to see if I will be missed or something or other.
Why am I talking out of my ass
Fuck,

tonight I was letdown several times by people important to me.
I was called stupid by one of my best friends & he's acting like it didn't faze me. Or maybe that was my fault because I did not tell him straight up that it bothered me.
But claim
claim claim "Hey I know you too well"
No
Stop, no one does.
No one knows me "too well".
I don't even know myself that well.
Some days I'm lucky enough to be completely normal & happy & contented. That's when I say, "Ah, simplicity"
Complications always come my way though.

I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE.
I can't think straight.


INSPIRATION

what I need.

I would like to draw a big round fruit & then put a little face in the middle of it.


I have this recurring dream
that I am singing Final Distance by Utada Hikaru.
I am playing the piano, & I have this friend playing the violin next to me. I don't know her. But in my dream, she is my friend.
And in the audience, it always zeroes in on someone. Someone that taught me what heartbreak was & showed me how it felt. I was fifteen. In my dream, I looked/seemed/felt fifteen. But he is older in my dream. In real life, I am older than him. It zeroes in on him. He is watching me with sad eyes, as I sing & play the piano.
I sing the second verse,

You, who gets hurt with a single word
taught me what loneliness is.
Even if you can't protect me,
keep on trying.

He looks away but the purpose is defeated. His tears glistened. And I don't know why. But I did.
The verse. Those words depicted what we used to have. What he couldn't, or I couldn't do.
What he could've done, or what I could have.. done.

I used to have this recurring dream.
Where I carry a violin in a case.
And I am walking around.
Just walking around. I end up in a concert hall.
And I
see
the same person, he is with a girl.
And she hugs him.
My breathing stops, then my heart would start hurting. Hurt so much I drop the violin case to the floor then it breaks open and a red violin appears.
He would hear the ruckus and look my way.
His eyes would widen, & mine are pained with betrayal.
I run away.
I wake up, my eyes are wet.
Used to. Used to.

Not anymore.
I don't have those dreams anymore.
But I don't know why I never wrote about it.
But I wanted to write about it.
So I wrote about it.

Goodbye

I don't want nobody but you.

After all you've put me through.


After all you're still my boo.

Haffffiee 17th burfffdai Kharena!

Old ass foo [:

Well anywayy ! I'm bored, & it's 2:09 AM.
I should probably turn on Sundance, see what's on.
By the way, tell me why I'm fucking hungry? Gay shit. & I need money from my momma or papa. For Seggz Flagz on Wednesday or Monday. Yup. I also need to put in some money for Mayo's kickback on the 31st.
Been chillin' with my Kennedy mains a lot lately. I need to & must spend as much time as I can with Mayo, she's leavin in like two & a half weeks. & nowadays time seems to go by way too fast.
My stomach hurts! I'm hungry, what the hell.

Well, Naruto time. New chapter just came out, yayyyyy!

Yes, well, hello scar.




LAZY.

It's ridiculous though. How I want to do something but I don't want to do shit today.

Tomorrow is Kharena's birthday, she's 17 now. Old ass.
Kickback? I have no idea where.




Hey, stop breathing the same air as me! I'm too cool for you.
Just kidding.
Too close, though, too close.

Never, never get that for breakfast if you go to a place where they've only got stanky ass porta-a-shits & a bathroom with yellow water.


Distant lover, you never leave my brain.

Camping was so fucking fun. It's such a bonding experience, it's crazy.
I am so tired right now & everything in my body hurts. I got my period this morning, & I have a long ass cut on my knee from the epic water balloon fight we had Saturday night. I annihilated my knee & it was aw-suhhhmmm!

My vision is murky & hazy from the chlorine in Jamie's pool & I keep seeing rings of halos around any bright light. I think to myself, imagine I was high I would probably be very happy about the fact that there are halos around any random light my eyes fall upon.

Times have changed us.

Times have & always will change us.

Chinese food smells so good.
Why'd I even bother to ask if it's healthy?
It's not.
I have to work out.
Swim it off, swim it off swim it off.
PHYSICAL THERAPY

I am going on a date w/ the Sundance Channel tonight. I am excited because we haven't seen each other in quite a while.

I'm still awake & I have to wake up early tomorrow.
Nothing good is ever on television anymore.
I have to wake up early tomorrow.
I've already written that.
I am a mess, I repeat myself now more than ever.
My left eye is twitching.
Jamie thinks I never listen to her but I think it's just I forget what she tells me.
I don't know, it's either of the two.
Something is wrong with me.
My stomach is growling but I'm not even hungry.
I got a new laptop as a graduation present. Have I already written about this?
Jessica Natasha Miller; I love you. She makes me the happiest. My best friend, my best friend forever. i love you,Jessfufubear.
It says on my Facebook I am in a relationship with her. It's an inside joke. I think some people will misunderstand & think that I am a lesbian. I laugh inside because I like how people are so closed-motherfucking-minded sometimes.
Why can't people be with the ones they love/like, it don't matter if they're of the same sex. I honestly think that everyone deserves happiness. Everyone. You all know that already. But I guess there's always that inevitability of negativity & animosity towards the whole issue. Why do you think Prop 8 passed? Fucking homophobes can get fucked in the ass. Maybe they'll even like it, no? Damn, now I am angry. Angry like a rhino.
Kevin Kim; sponge. He is a sponge.
And I am sleepy.
I don't know.
I have so many things, too many things to think about, talk about, sort out.
I miss school; high school. High school, my second home. I walked through there today. Trespassed, perhaps but I don't care. I was way past nostalgia. But I couldn't do anything. I am done with high school. I have to grow up. "Growing up sucks =( " , real talk.
My brain ain't functioning right anymore. I don't know.
Summer bliss.
Summer's been so much fun lately. I think that's the only thing I got for now. The only thing for us. Phoebe. Phoebe Mae. Is leaving the valley to Stockton for college.
Adrian said, "Fuck, what am I going to do without her?"
That just shows how much impact she's had on certain people.
I've grown so accustomed to the fact that she's always going to be there, when I need her. One phone call away, at school, I will see her during lunch anyway, or that she's only five blocks away. But she doesn't live here anymore, she's only in the valley for the summer. It hasn't hit me yet. But the resentment is there...resentment for us having to grow up, hah. The sadness..that we can't always be together. The fear that maybe we won't be as close as we always have been. Fuck! Fuck.. horrible. My heart hurts. It all started with Phoebe Mae, the reason why I started loving high school so much is because I met her. & she even made Mike & I even closer than we already were if that was possible.
Mike..Mike, Mike, my brother, main homie, best friend for reall for real, at least I still have that fool. He finds me annoying sometimes, I know it..but he's always so patient with me.
Why am I writing about all this?
I like to be sentimental sometimes.
Actually, no, I'm sentimental all the time.
I have been swimming a lot lately.
I am very dark again.
I haven't been this dark since 2006.
I am exhausted but I feel like what I've written is shit compared to what I used to write.
Have I gone rusty? I sincerely hope not.
I will write more, I promise.
Promise to myself. myself. It's better if I promise myself.

It would be nice if I was inspired at the moment. It would be nice if people would stop taking me for granted. It would be nice if I wasn't so moody all the time.

I know.
I have been putting off updating because there's way too much to write about & honestly, the main reason was..I didn't want to write about graduating, & all that stuff. It's too much. But now that 2 weeks have passed, maybe it won't bother me as much anymore.
I am no longer in high school.
And my heart hurts because
um,
several reasons I guess.