What do you think about? What are you thinking about? Do you think about what makes you happy the most? What hurts you the most?
Are you a masochist? If you think about what makes you happy the most, you're only making shit hard for yourself because that happiness won't last forever.
& if you think about what hurts you the most, the pain will only grow more potent which will eventually sink into your bones until you can't feel anymore.
& now you are numb.
Numb like you're pissed drunk. But you're sober.
What will you do now? Cry? You can't. You've decided crying is a perpetual waste of energy so you don't want to cry. You can't anyway. You're numb remember?
You say to yourself that this is a coming of age thing. The usual tale of a fucked-up, eccentric, situational depressed kid who meets a carefree, ambitious, soul-searching, kindred spirit who, maybe in return for a deed you did for them, will save you from your bitch ass self.
But you are not in a movie.
This is real life, mate.
What are you going to do?
You are going to keep thinking. You are going to keep trying to save yourself. You are going to try and save the world for yourself & for the people you love.
Do you love anyone? Who do you love? Do they love you back? What do they do that confirms your claim that they love you back? This & that?
In the end, maybe, you will only have yourself. Maybe not.
You always wish that everything will be alright.
You always wish that you can compensate for all the mistakes you've committed.
But the only thing you can wish for now is

What is it?
Strength?

Would you mind not having a meltdown? This is an interview.

You're pushing and pulling me down to you.

I don't know what to do or say anymore. People, people, people I love, I care for, having meltdowns, I don't know how to handle it. I used to know how, I used to know what to say. Now I don't. I'm frustrated, distraught. Universally speaking, it fucking sucks. Did I change? Is my mind deteriorating? I don't want that. I really do not want that.


You told her that you loved her, but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
that she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I don't understand but I do. Lust? You want but you don't want. At least for the long run. It disgusts me, but it does not. It's a natural human trait. People who claim that they haven't lusted over someone before are liars. Or it could be that they believe they had loved because they told themselves over and over, so they started to believe themselves.


Believe me, I'm flying
Believe me, I'm flying
Believe me,
I will be flying.

xdef50 (9:46:56 PM): i might not understand what you're feeling, but atleast i can see how you feel.

Oh, how I love Simoun Santos. One of the two most patient people I know.

Hope,
our legacy.

I miss Jamie. I feel like I've pushed her too far away because I'm always mad at her for my own selfish reasons. Now I feel like our friendship is on the verge of breaking apart & it's all my fault.
I just really miss her, when we used to laugh about everything. & how I used to not get mad when she would joke or sass me. I don't know why I keep thinking she's serious when she "insults" me. How we would talk about road tripping, & drive all the way to god knows where just to get food or something. I don't know, I want us to be back to normal. Like Bam Bam & Celeste, or Clit&Lick. & go to Jack In The Box, & eat my tacos & curly fries & her chicken tenders at Bee Canyon.

I feel like nothing is going right.
But the thing is I know that it won't be permanent.

Fuck, I feel like having a damn nervous breakdown.
I want to scream, & everything,
& tell certain people what I really wanna tell them. & how everything is just so fucked up but we can get through anything because we can. We're all strong enough.
I know you're all aware of the fact that you have that strength inside you, & I know that maybe you don't know how to use it but when you least expect it you will end up using that strength. It's almost like an automated message that speaks out when the going gets too tough. A message that will tell you, "You're strong enough."

My memory sucks. Thankfully, I only forget somewhat relevant things. Actually, that is still pretty unfortunate because I end up repeating myself. Embarrassing.


I don't know how but I keep getting bruises.

I'm laying down on the floor in the dark listening to Sigur Rós.
It's pretty inspiring. Just idea after idea. Not necessarily ideas for my novel (Aesa), but just certain scenarios of how I'm feeling right now. Like I feel new, I feel like drawing people.
Or taking pictures. I'd be so much happier if I had a camera (preferably a Nikon D90), but I don't. I feel like I sound like an idiot right now.

Spring Break is almost over.
I want yogurt.
"I work at Yogurt Zone. You fail." -Rex Quimpo Facebooks me that.

I haven't been getting enough sleep, & I haven't studied or read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, or even did one Government homework question.
I love how I barely have a dilemma when school is next Monday. So cliche.


What to do now?

Wake up my sister, so we can bounce.
Bounce where?
Speaking of bouncing, I miss playing tennis.

Replacing Me

Damn.
I didn't think I'd care but I do.
Why?
It's pissing me off when it shouldn't.

I am going to hell, my friends.

She Rockin' That Shit Like
Like this. Like how I was murdering(dragging it around) the vacuum cleaner 'cause it was too heavy to be carried. I don't know.

I notice when I take pictures of myself, I just look at the lens like it's the vilest thing in the world. Then I press the button; I turn my phone around so I can see what my face would look like & then it'd look like I'm taking a shit. Then I have to take five hundred pictures until finally, there's that ONE picture that looks at least decent enough to post up.
Why am I talking about this?
Because I have a life.

It's already Thursday, & I've got nothing to do until later but I'm not even sure if that will happen. It seemed like an hour ago when I wrote on my Facebook that it was the first day of Spring Break, but it is already the fourth.

Today, I woke up early so I can vacuum the whole house, + the stairs + my parents' room = tired. Actually no, because that's an understatement.

I have so many questions to myself that I want to answer but I can't.
I can't answer, or I don't want to answer because either way the outcome will give me pain.

I miss Jamie.
But she doesn't text me back anymore.
I guess that's my fault, I'm always so mean to her.
I wish I can do something to make up for all the times that I've lashed out at her unnecessarily.
Well, ya can't turn back the time.
What matters is now, & how I will appreciate what she does for me more.

I am bored (:
Not really, I just wanna go out.
Abby & I are sitting in the dark, lol! On my sister's laptop.
JAI HO!