"I thought you were different." I stated under my breath as he turned to walk away from me.
Before I could even think about what to expect next, he wheeled around sharply with the most vile, most resentful face I've ever seen. But it's there, on his once gentle face. An expression I never would have thought I'd see on him, let alone directed towards me.
I looked down, & bit my lower lip until I tasted blood. I bit it; bit back tears, bit back words. But my tears flowed down treacherously.
I started to stammer out words as blood trickled down my chin. I became quiet when none of the words I spat out added up; they were all nonsensical.
His expression remained, but softened subtly, though he hadn't blinked a single blink.
He was my life. My everything. My love.
But I became blinded by other feelings. I hung low like a tall tree being beat down by the wind. Listening to its murmurs of false wisdom in which I thought were correct. I let my mind become poisoned with selfish realization.
You need a break.
You grew up too fast.
You can't be seriously in love.
Live a little with no strings attached.
So as tall a tree I was, I let myself get chopped down. At the top of that tree was the love I had for him.
But I was shallow enough to believe that I needed somethng different even when I had the best to have happen to me right in front of me.
I was dimwitted enough to say goodbye.
When all else fails, thank you for loving me.
I barely realized that I was the one who failed. But I was too late.
Even when I held on now, I would just fall off. Like how I let my love for him fall.
I don't belong in his heart, his mind, & his world anymore.
Now, I am nothing to him.
So, I became bitter.
Because he doesn't talk to me. Because I have to take initiative first if I want to keep our fragile friendship intact.
I couldn't take it. He was different.
I wasn't used to his constant dismissal, his indifference, & his lack of emotion.
So my confrontational side took over. Stupid words, hurtful words, nonsense were thrown out of my mouth like projectile vomit.
I lamented that even after everything, I thought he would be better than this. I know I'm the one to blame but...
But nothing.
My heart just hurts.
And I thought he was different.
"No." His voice rang in my ears. I looked up almost, responsive, to the sound of it. My vision blurred from the tears that stung my eyes.
"Wh--" I sputtered. But was interrupted.
"I thought you were different." His face was pained with a mixture of betrayal, anguish, & distress.
My brain turned into mush. I had not a clue what to say.
I may not have expected this but I knew I deserved it.
"I thought you were different from other girls."
My hearl spiraled down my lower abdomen.
That comparison with other girls was a confirmation that we were done without any hope whatsoever.
"When you promised me forever, I thought you were different because I thought you meant it."
I wanted to say that I did, I really did mean it but there was no use. There was no use trying to save a love so futilely when you've hurt the other so deep that it came to this. And you, yourself, are suffering from the same agonizing pain but this was your fault.
This was my fault. I was to destined to suffer for my mistakes.
"You," He continued, "were my life. I was willing to stop my own & make you my life. I was willing to walk through fire, swim an ocean for you.
But. You. Fucked. It. Up."
Yes, I fucked it up.

And this is what I dream about every night.
My indecisiveness at its peak because I couldn't decide whether it was a nightmare or a dream. Or a recurring dream, or if it was a lucid dream.
But I think it's all of the above.

I just want to breath again.