Initiating Mental Breakdown



Fuck.
I need & want something out of the ordinary.

He's not callin', ma.


Thank you, Sensei.
Thank you for exposing me to immensely inspiring music.
Thank you for introducing me to the world of pure talent.
Thank you for enlightening me with a series of rap battles from YouTube.
Grind Time is now my favorite past time.


DUMBFOUNDEAD

& I fell in love with this charismatic emcee & his music.

This one's for the happiness
I'll be wishing you forever.

I find it so difficult talking to you.
There are days where I'd want to talk to you all day but I stop myself because,
because it hurts.

I'm so tired of feeling & seeming & looking vulnerable.

Yeah, maybe I'm selfish

We're never on the same page. EVER.
I think about certain things, feel certain things but you think & feel oppositely.
Then on another day, you think about the same shit I had thought, feel the same fucking feelings I had felt, but on that day I feel the exact opposite.

It's always contradictory. Always inconsistent. And we don't even know it.

I'm starting to think..
no, I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to think anymore.

My mind blurs when I think about the pain. You know, the pain.. I'd rather not go into another detailed & immensely dejecting tirade about "the pain". Because I've done my fair share of that..in, well, almost all of my entries.

Too many things go on in my head & being the fucking person I am I always over-analyze shit, & I have this tendency to overwhelm myself which leads me to feel very, very depressed. Nowadays all I've been doing is think, think, think, think,think, fucking think. I don't even have time for myself anymore. I am so tired, seriously. Physically, emotionally, & mentally.

I haven't felt this in a while; pain on the left side of my chest.
It's funny how dreams can affect you this greatly in real life.

Lost My Pieces

You make breaking hearts look so easy,
seems like you've done this before

For days, I've laid awake with my laptop propped against my legs & my head is against my pillow.
I can't sleep.
I try.
I lie awake for hours,
trying, trying to sleep
I close my eyes, & I don't open them.
But I am completely awake & I know it.

I open up my "Aesa" file, stare at it for ages, & end up only editing a small portion of it without even adding new stuff to it.

I keep forgetting what I've said & done after a nano second or a day if I'm lucky.
And I feel like my level of intelligence reduced itself to nothingness. I'm dead in the brain most of my days which is why I haven't been writing anything.

Right now, a lot has been ailing me & I can't explain myself to save my life. It's overwhelming to a point that I'm speechless & I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore & that's so fucking unhealthy.
I need a break from people
I want to be seen
I want
fuck
I don't know what I want.

Selfishly, I want to see if I will be missed or something or other.
Why am I talking out of my ass
Fuck,

tonight I was letdown several times by people important to me.
I was called stupid by one of my best friends & he's acting like it didn't faze me. Or maybe that was my fault because I did not tell him straight up that it bothered me.
But claim
claim claim "Hey I know you too well"
No
Stop, no one does.
No one knows me "too well".
I don't even know myself that well.
Some days I'm lucky enough to be completely normal & happy & contented. That's when I say, "Ah, simplicity"
Complications always come my way though.

I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE.
I can't think straight.


INSPIRATION

what I need.

I would like to draw a big round fruit & then put a little face in the middle of it.


I have this recurring dream
that I am singing Final Distance by Utada Hikaru.
I am playing the piano, & I have this friend playing the violin next to me. I don't know her. But in my dream, she is my friend.
And in the audience, it always zeroes in on someone. Someone that taught me what heartbreak was & showed me how it felt. I was fifteen. In my dream, I looked/seemed/felt fifteen. But he is older in my dream. In real life, I am older than him. It zeroes in on him. He is watching me with sad eyes, as I sing & play the piano.
I sing the second verse,

You, who gets hurt with a single word
taught me what loneliness is.
Even if you can't protect me,
keep on trying.

He looks away but the purpose is defeated. His tears glistened. And I don't know why. But I did.
The verse. Those words depicted what we used to have. What he couldn't, or I couldn't do.
What he could've done, or what I could have.. done.

I used to have this recurring dream.
Where I carry a violin in a case.
And I am walking around.
Just walking around. I end up in a concert hall.
And I
see
the same person, he is with a girl.
And she hugs him.
My breathing stops, then my heart would start hurting. Hurt so much I drop the violin case to the floor then it breaks open and a red violin appears.
He would hear the ruckus and look my way.
His eyes would widen, & mine are pained with betrayal.
I run away.
I wake up, my eyes are wet.
Used to. Used to.

Not anymore.
I don't have those dreams anymore.
But I don't know why I never wrote about it.
But I wanted to write about it.
So I wrote about it.

Goodbye

I don't want nobody but you.

After all you've put me through.


After all you're still my boo.